Still Playing Dress-Up

The Cherry On Top

2006-04-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

My fondest dream (as for the moment) has finally come true: I'm now the Features Editor for the Commerce Journal! I'm really, really, really happy about it; I guess even up to now, there are no words for me to express the joy and gratitude I feel. During the TOCJ (where Kim announced the new edboard), I felt as if my body and soul were two different things. It's because I could practically feel my soul soaring... Believe me, being the Features Editor is that big of a deal for me.

I really enjoyed our Art and Writing Seminar (despite the flies, the foul smell, the heat, the uncomfortable beds, the unbearable cold at night, the dirty pool...). It just saddens me to think that next school year, it won't be with all the same people again. With the seniors gone and the other staffers moving to Accounting Journal, and new additions coming our way (I'm only sure of them taking Jhune in, and I'm thrilled to have Jhune), I don't know what would become of us.

Erwin's vacationing at China and I feel so alone here. During clearance, I went to the mall with my friends, and I had a great time. We spent most of the time at the arcade, with majority playing Photo Hunt, while Jami and I enjoyed ourselves with something I don't know what it's called, but it's pretty fun. But because I went home just a few hours later than I said, I was grounded. Poor me.

I started reading "The Secret Letters of Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe" today, and it was hard for me to put the book down. Both JK and MM are so endearing, even if they tend to be a bit manipulative and scheming. And to think that they can stay as friends, eventhough they're both in love with the same man! It seems impossible, but they've managed it. I can never be that way with anyone. When it comes to love, I can only understand that of Lancelot's and Guenevere's.

Comparing Knights

2006-03-21T03:11:00.000-08:00

After weeks and weeks of waiting for my special order book from Powerbooks (5 weeks to be exact), I finally have Isolde, Queen of the Western Isle. The book didn't live up to my expectation, however, because Tristan turned out to be more bound to his king than he is to Isolde (unlike Lancelot, who favors Guenevere above all), plus, Tristan is easily manipulated by females (unlike Lancelot who can only be manipulated through enchantment). I guess it's no wonder why I've fallen in love with Lancelot; he loves truly and passionately, even against all odds. Just like my loved one. =) If he were to be a knight, I'm sure he'd beat Lancelot for the title "most peerless knight", and he'd be world-reknowned for his love, passion, and skill.

Finally Feeling the "Brr" Months

2005-12-09T00:11:00.000-08:00

Isn't the cold weather just great? It's the best time to be wearing all the cold-weathered clothes, such as scarves, capelets, ponchos, even fuzzy jackets... Plus, I so love the feel of being wrapped around in a blanket (and the best part is, because it's so cold I can snuggle up even if it's in the afternoon!)

December 6 has been the most heavenly day of the year, and I cannot thank the Lord enough for giving me such an amazing, wonderful person to share it with. I'm so blessed.

Last night while watching David Blaine's Vertigo (again), I realized I want to do my "magic" act again. Strange, but I want to do it again.

Stupidity: Drastic, Sympathetic, Idiotic?

2005-12-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

The latest thrill I got was when the CJ Propaganda was released in school. The thrill was short-lived, however, because of some "errors". But all in all, I think the Propaganda came out well. Too bad it will be my last contribution for CJ.

If I licked myself (not literally), I'd probably taste bitter. I've been like that the WHOLE day (well, almost). Too bad I have to end the night as is. I want to talk to somebody right now, because I went home in a really bad mood. Admittedly, I'm disappointed in some people (for obvious reasons). Worse, the "people" even tries to compensate it for something that's not even believable. Unfortunately for me, I think the select few people I care about are already asleep. Mom has told me time and again, not to expect from people the same treatment I give them. Alas, time and again I really need to give myself a swift kick in the head. Why can't I ever learn? Just because I am a certain way, doesn't mean everybody automatically has to be that way. I wish I could get that through to me.

Names and Supposed Deeper Meanings

2005-11-04T06:53:00.000-08:00

Aylwin sent me a site that analyzes names by numbers, http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/DisplayNameAnalysis.cfm

This is what I got out of my first name:

Though the name Czarina creates the urge to understand and help people, we draw to your attention that it causes an emotional intensity and sensitivity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and nervous system.
Your first name of Czarina has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression. With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires. Your emotional feelings are easily affected and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature.

Love in A Sense

2005-11-04T05:41:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to be forever discontent with the weather? I hate it when it's cold, and I hate it when it rains especially because the insects come swarming it! Now I just realized that I also hate it when it's hot, especially during "ber" months, because we're supposed to be bringing out our cute close-to-winter clothes, instead of sporting around everything we wore for the summer.

I've had a newfound respect for Lancelot. I've always hated him and Guenevere for the fact that they've hurt Arthur, but Lancelot really knew how to love. And I guess Guenevere couldn't be blamed, because Arthur wasn't completely bound by their fidelity and he oftentimes prioritized others before her. Lancelot loved Guenevere in the way she was supposed to be loved.

Here are a few quotations from the book:

"Wherever I go, you will always be there. And wherever you go, my prayers will be there before. What we have between us is stronger than life, older than fate or time."

"As far as I go away from you, that is the measure of my love. It is a sign of the power you have, and the power to draw me back to you one day. If the quest leads to the ends of the earth and beyond, I shall return. If I die, I will come back to you after death. And then we will never be parted, for my sould will be with you always, till you join me in the Otherworld."

-Lancelot

"With you, I lived and loved for the first time."

-Guenevere

Guenevere

2005-11-03T04:16:00.000-08:00

I've just finished reading Guenevere, Queen of the Summer Country. At first I was already more than willing to give up on the book, as it was difficult to read, but I figured I would only be wasting money if I did (since I already bought the whole saga). Thank God I read it through; the book was lovely!

There has never been a character I could relate to more than Guenevere. I've read about heroines who've been very dear to my heart, but Guenevere was more than dear - I was able to sympathize with her. I felt her despair when Malgaunt was threatening to be her lord and master, I felt her relief when Arthur triumphed over his battle over Malgaunt, I felt her jealousy over Morgan, I felt the love she showered on her son Amir, I felt the desperate love she had for Lancelot...almost everything she felt, I felt myself. However, Guenevere has a lot of qualities I could only admire. Her ability to forgive is beyond me, and the way she was able to give up the person she loves most for the sake of Arthur...it was so selfless. I struggle with words.

Bring Out the Wishing Dusts ('coz I need it!)

2005-10-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you can't stand your family; sometimes you can't be without them either. But though tonight I'm feeling the former, I know in a while the whole "frustration" thing will blow over.

All I could ask myself is - am I so unlovable? Why are there such hard people to deal with? I know I'm hard to be with too sometimes (more like a lot of times, actually), but I do not go about puposedly hurting other people's feelings and making people feel inferior and insignificant. I can't believe how those hurtful words spill from someone's lips so easily. I can understand how they form in the mind, of course, but never how they get out verbally. It's so cruel - you know another person is going to get hurt, and yet you say them anyway. In a fight, it's understandable how two people throw hurtful words at each other, but with each hurtful word comes a sting as well. And that sting will keep reminding you all about those horrid things you've said, as well as how much you've hurt a person with it. It's a full-time guilt-trip.

We've just gotten our clearances last Tuesday, and much to my dismay, I've failed Finance. By a point! And because of that, I have to leave CJ (Commerce Journal), and it sickens me especially now that CJ has grown so dear to me. I had a wonderful time during our Team Building Seminar, and it really really breaks my heart to be parted from the only organization I've joined in school (and the only one I truly cared about, at that!).

Little Frustrations that Get to You

2005-09-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

This week we have been bombarded with several things - MR topped the list, next are the articles to be submitted (and I've only so far just finished reworking my book review), quizzes (specifically FINANCE), and we have to watch a play and cheering. I've never been one to handle well with being busy, and I hate this feeling!

Of Love and Other Demons

2005-07-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

I'm turning into a nightmarish freakish obsessed woman.
I shouldn't take things seriously most of the time, but inevitably I do. Maybe I should cut back on watching O.C. and start watching Friends again. God knows I need the laughs!
Or maybe I just need something to do...I hate this lonely feeling lurking in my heart. Someone's moving further and further away from me. Sad thing is, there's absolutely nothing I can do but watch that person do whatever...
I'm going to start reading Of Love and Other Demons. I keep forgetting about that book and I've always wanted to read it. Like I've said over and over again, love really is "the most terrible demon of all."

Chrismukkah Miracle

2005-07-09T07:02:00.000-07:00

It's not really Christmas, nor is it Hannukah. Chrismukkah is a combination of both, and it originated from the mind of the amazing Seth Cohen. I saw a re-run of the O.C. a few hours ago. The O.C. has a way of evoking positive emotions out of me, despite its drama and conspiracies or whatever their lives revolve around. The O.C. has been my best friend eversince a certain person has been too busy doing stuff, and the O.C. has kept me distracted while that certain person entertained himself with a certain game. God, how I hate that game.

I can't wait to watch all of season 2. Their lives only seem more entertaining when something huge happens to them. Unlike Meteor Garden. I hate it when something bad happens to Dao Ming Si and Shan Cai because I only want them to be together. I used to believe that if I were to live out any of the TV's dramas, I'd definitely pick out Meteor Garden (how terribly predictable of me). How can you not fall in love with the chase? The desperation? The desire to just win over the one you love? The sacrifices? Sometimes I think it must be so wonderful for Shan Cai to receive all the love Dao Ming Si's showering her, but then again a love like that is assuredly unreal.

Call Me Dramatic. Call Me Lonely.

2005-07-05T04:40:00.000-07:00

The rain can really get you in such a pensive mood, can’t it? I hate waking up feeling cold and dark. Mornings are supposed to be bright and warm; not bleak and dull.
This morning just proved to be one of the coldest mornings of my life. Literally and not literally.
Last week, I got a serious dose of loneliness. It seemed as if I’m drowning in a quicksand of hopelessness and there’s nothing to do but to sink lower. This week might not be any different. I don’t know why I feel so lonely. Nothing seems perky in all aspects of my life, except maybe for my studies because THANK GOD we haven’t had any horrid exams yet. At home I feel like a lab mouse being scrutinized. With Erwin, I just don’t know because the simplest things hurt me so easily and everything results to a flare-up; it’s scary. I have a great time at school and my friends, and that’s probably the only thing I’m not sulking about. This afternoon, Kelly’s last kitten was just taken away, and I’m so heartbroken about it. I’m going to miss that little rascal, running around the house and biting everything that moves. Maybe I just need to be a little more positive about things.

Accursed Simple Things

2005-07-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

Stupid Dota.
Seriously, stupid dota. I guess it's not really stupid, since it's euphoria for some people. But not for me...DEFINITELY not for me.
I can tell I'm pissed off, in a way...it's not fun playing second fiddle. Actually, it hurts. I wish I have something to do. I saw About A Boy a while ago; I remembered just how much I adored that movie. Then, How Do I Look? came up on TV, and I definitely couldn't miss that. But then...after that, there's nothing. I regret devouring The Other Boleyn Girl so fast; there's no good books left to read (or maybe I just haven't found them). I even resorted to YM, which I haven't opened for ages.
Sigh. This turned out to be such a dull day after all.

Huge Ball of Emotion

2005-06-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

What a day. I woke up feeling a little bit tranquil; but then feelings resurface and I'm a raging fire once again. This day has been nothing but a series of emotions, and honestly I'm very afraid that tomorrow will once again be a rollercoaster. I couldn't take much more of this extremes. Like now, even if things has mended, I feel sadness and anger and hope and desperation all rolled into one huge ball of emotion.

I feel so pathetic. Getting all riled up for unimportant things, making mountains out of molehills...I hate being me sometimes. It's all so tiring.

Right now I just want to snuggle up in my bed, finish reading The Other Boleyn Girl, and cuddle up with Funshine. And if the ground could suddenly swallow me up, I think I'd be really thankful for that.

Inner Tantrums

2005-06-12T05:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that people are really good, deep deep down...but sometimes, things are just out there to prove me wrong. Or rather, people themselves prove me wrong. I admit I'm no saint. I'm definitely not someone to look up to, but there are just others out there who are so totally hopeless. All I'm feeling can be summed up into this one word: exasperation.

During times like this, I console myself with my favorite hobby: shopping therapy. There's no other feeling in the world like buying the perfect skirt or top...but right now, I don't think even that could work for me. I'm just so freaking pissed off! I was already having such a wonderful day. We saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and it was such a feel-good movie. I finally got the lip venom I wanted so much, and I was so excited to use it. But certain things happen, and it just brings you down. I want to throw things, break things...but sanity forces me not to.

At least I still think I have my sanity intact.

Rediscovering

2005-06-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

I got home from my cousin Timothy's graduation today tired and sleepy, but in a way I feel lighthearted and I want to share this lightheartedness with the world.

His graduation ceremony was loooong; right then and there I wanted to fall asleep. But alas, my stomach was rumbling and my goosebumps creeping all over (it was extremely cold there). It was hard to concentrate on anything but the discomforts plaguing me. I had to force myself to chew a gum to distract myself from drowsiness. Plus, all throughout the ceremony, I kept thinking what it would've been like to sit beside Erwin there...maybe with him there, I wouldn't have freezed as much as I had. Not to mention, I would've felt warm and giddy inside. Don't get me wrong - his graduation was uplifting and inspiring. I feel so proud of my cousin. Anyone who can get a master's degree is really someone to look up to. And the speakers - wow. They were good. No, actually they were great. The first guy to speak talked about his experiences in college, and he left a phrase that I can't get out of my head: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Although that phrase goes against the optimist in me, I think it makes sense. The next speaker was even better, as she was able to captivate the crowd. She was so inspiring; everything she said really made sense to me. Of course, the thing I loved best from what she said was this: You must conquer yourself first before you can conquer the world. Listening to her really made me think what it would've been like if I ended up in UA&P, especially since she took up the course I wanted: Master of Arts in Communication, Major in Integrated Marketing. I still keep wondering how I would've turned out if I wasn't a Tomasian, but I do love being in UST. I don't regret anything.

I came home feeling a lot of things. I miss the way I used to be (in a little way). I miss how headstrong I used to be, how proud of everything...how dedicated and passionate about life. I miss all of my friends, too. And I mean all. I'd give anything to spend time with my friends like I did before. Like, back in Grace I would've laughed harder or goofed around a little bit more with the girls, or my classmates and close friends. In Taiwan, I would've bonded with my barkada (more meetings and late night snacks) instead of shopping and sleeping a little bit early. In college, I would've been more sociable and less self-centered. I'm very happy with my life, but sometimes I think I could've done better with it. One thing's for sure, I could've been a much nicer person. Good or bad, I know I'm very blessed. I'm blessed with a loving family, supportive friends, wonderful relatives...and right now, I'm even blessed with such an amazing boyfriend. I always come to a point in life when I'll just say, "It doesn't get any better than this." But eventually, something happens and it's even better than what I thought is supposedly the best. Right now, it's just like that. I feel on top of the world. I might sink to the bottom again, I might even take a nosedive next time around...but I know God will always pave a way to make things right again, and sometimes, it's just surprisingly better than the last time.

Heroines of Sort

2005-06-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading 'The Undomestic Goddess' by Sophie Kinsella. This book is so much better than her other work, which is 'Can You Keep A Secret?'. She turned a supposedly unlovable heroine into someone very lovable (which seems so hard to do, since her heroine is a lawyer who's a first-class workaholic). And her other characters are so hilarious. One of my favorites is Trish Geiger, a wealthy bimbo who has a good heart. Then there's Melissa, Trish's snotty niece who loves bossing Samantha (the heroine) around. It's been so long since I last read a good book, and I miss the thrill of enjoying something new (with books, that is! Chick lit has been lacking flavor lately).

Today has been incredibly boring. I guess it can get lonely without Jackie at home (even if it's just for a couple of hours!) Not to mention, Mom and Dad's out too, so I'm home alone. I was supposed to talk to Erwin on the phone this afternoon, but he's now running errands and I regret having a late lunch. Just a while ago I went downstairs to see the last remaining kitten, which we temporarily named Brad Pitt. I loved playing with Max and Kelly's kittens! It was really sad, seeing them go. The babies were crying as they were being placed inside a box, and Kelly was crying back to them as she unsuccessfully tried to free them from the box. It broke my heart seeing our cat family being separated from each other... But I guess the kittens are happy right now with their new owners. I do hope so!

The Evil Deeds Done For Love

2005-05-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's newspaper said that there is a distinct difference between shoe lovers and bagaholics. Shoe lovers are more spontaneous and prone to spur of the moment surprises, while bagaholics are fit to commit and have a patterned lifestyle in contrast. But what if you're neither of the two? I know I am neither. I'm more finicky about my clothes - the bags and shoes only come after. What does that make me?

I'm still obsessing over Revenge of the Sith. I had no idea I would be so taken away by it, considering the fact that I haven't even seen The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Right now I'm more excited to see Attack of the Clones. Cheesy as it might seem, I'd love to see how Anakin Skywalker and Padme first fell in love. They're so perfect for each other. Despite the fact that Anakin Skywalker is a Jedi-turned-Dark-Lord, I see no wrong in what he's done...well, except for the children killing part, which really is horrible. Extremely horrible. And his fight with Obi Wan Kenobi, which is ungrateful on Anakin's part. But, everything he did (although for selfish and arrogant reasons)...it was all done for love. If he hadn't had a premonition of Padme dying after childbirth, he wouldn't even have considered the powers the Chancelor offered him. He was only eager to have those powers because he wanted to save Padme from death. When a tear fell from his eye after turning the Chancelor in, it seemed as if he had lost everything (in this case, he had lost Padme because he's given up the only person who could teach him power to save Padme). In the end, he rescued the Chancelor and he was turned into Darth Vader. Even then, he first assured of Padme's safety. I don't deny everything Anakin Skywalker did after was wrong, and I admit he was selfish because he killed lots of lives in order to save the one that mattered the most to him. But can you blame him? If you were in his position, what would you have done? When he said, "I could not live without her...", you have to understand that without Padme, he would lose all reasons for existence.